No satisfaction in life and my frustrations with it
Lately I've been working on that satisfaction is not something I have. I can finish a large project at work, a month long building project with a hobby association, small electronic project at home, cleaning, writing, whatever. The only things worth mentioning are the mistakes or improvement points for future attempts it seems like.
Is it a lack of challenge? Bringing this up with colleagues resulted in confusion. Apparently the things I do at work are considered plenty challenging. No complaints there, job done well enough, yet no satisfaction.
The solution could be to 'simply do more' then, challenge myself, take on more work. 'Follow your dreams!' they say, but even my simple dreams like owning a place to live feels out of reach. School also tought me that doing more only resulted in getting more work, not a reward.
'Then why would I work?' is a reoccuring thought I have. Currently it truly feels like I've been working for years towards a goal (house ownership) that never gets closer, the only thing that changes is the amount of money in my bank account, that I cant really touch as touching that money means directly sabotaing the thing I work for. Letting go of this goal would invalidate too many choices I made in life so far but what else would I work for? Not ready to go that far yet
Okay, that about answers the work part, probably gave myself the answer by writing that out like this. How about the personal part? Why is it that whatever I do there is little satisfaction there either?
Soldering is cool and all but the projects are realistically too simple to be satisfying. Building a nice lamp, DIY portable jet fan, lights, speakers, etc. It all boils down to the same Battery + Controller + Hardware + 3D print combination. Custom PCBs are the next step up but at that point it gets expensive so would first need a project custom enough to warrant that?
And then the hobby part, building parade floats. I do enjoy it, I think and hope at least, but why can I just not be satisfied for one moment when the thing is done after 6 months instead of instantly writing it off as a failure.
In classic fashion this turned out longer than expected, and the answer is probably very simple, but this frustrates me to no end. I should be more than intelligent enough to solve this issue. Doing things without getting the minimum satisfaction from it is taking a slow but steady toll. Its like whatever I do is the bare minimum to me, but is my minimum is so much different from others minimum? Or do they just accept it to be done with me or the task?
Next entry in the "slowly losing my marbles" blogs will most likely be about trust, another issue. Or about making energy drink flavoured pickles. Not yet decided.